The conversations you are about to hear are true

This is the suburbs, Southern California. I work here… I’m a Mom.

It was Friday July 30, 10:00 AM. It was another summer day. I was running errands.

The conversations you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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Here is a recap of my conversations during that hour with my 4 and 5 year old:

“No, you can’t have a bowl of Mini-Wheat’s. No, you’re not. Why? Because it’s not even possible for you to be hungry. You just asked to be excused and said you were stuffed.”

“I realize you ‘jus’ went to the bathroom this morning sugar, but I still need you to use the potty before we go to swimming lessons and it’s best for your kidney’s if you use the potty more than once a day.”

“I don’t know if Dora and Spiderman are friends. No, Bud I can’t send them a text message. No, sugar I can’t call them either. Because they really don’t have phone numbers. They are real in a cartoon sense but not a human sense. Because they are drawn by artists, oh never mind. {5 minute break} No honey, we can’t send them an email either.”

“Well, driving 150mph is not safe and it’s against the law on the roadways. Umm because, you can lose control of your car and hit something or someone. ….Yes, you could die. …No, 100mph is not safe either. ….Cuz the signs tell us the Speed Limit is 65mph. Yes, Mommy is driving at that speed. What was that? Oh, thank you for letting Mommy know there is a police car next to us.”

“Wait a second buddy, you cannot get out of the car. ….I know, but look at your feet. …Umm, well you are not wearing your shoes. Yes, I am wearing shoes. Yes, your sister is wearing her shoes too. Yes she is. Yes she is. Yes she is. I realize it feels like summer without shoes. ….Why? Because you could step on a bee, now get your shoes on before we go into the Bank. “

“No, Grammie can’t have a baby. ….. Her body is done having babies. Yes, it is a good idea to be married when you have a baby. No, you don’t die if you have a baby. Why do you ask? Well, sometimes babies are removed from a Mommy’s tummy by a Doctor doing surgery in the Hospital. They call it a C-section. That’s right, Mrs M. just had a C- section. No, you came out of Mommy’s potty. … It did hurt a little bit but I’m okay. Huh? Oh, I see, but I think Grammie would probably say “no thank you” if you asked her if she wanted to have a baby sectioned out of her tummy.”

“So sorry honey, but give Mommy your sucker, I need to put it in the trash can. I know your upset, those are some big feelings. Come on….Honey…. you can stop trying to pick the hair out of it – it’s gonzo. ….Trust Mommy. …Because, there is no 5 second rule if your sucker falls on the floor at the Veterinarians’ office.”

Thanks Beagle Brigade for being less mentally taxing – sometimes.